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Snakes in Movies
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Snakes in Movies
Python (2000)
Spoiler Alert !

Some of these pictures and descriptions may give away plot details that you might not want to know before watching the film.
Python Python Python
Python Python
Python Python
Python Python Python

Of the terrible made-for-TV giant monster snake comedy horror movies I've seen, this one is better than most. It was followed by three sort-of sequels, too: New Alcatraz (Boa) (2001), Python 2 (2002), and Boa vs. Python (2004). In this one we get to see human bodies dissolved into bloody jelly by the acid in a monster snake's digestive juices, a love triangle that makes guys fist-fight on a children's playground with children surrounding them, two women getting busy in a camping tent, mountain bikes crashing into police cars, a stupid deputy sherriff, and some not-so-unintentionally funny scenes like the one where a woman is attacked by the monster snake when she's taking a shower and tries to fight it off with baby shampoo and a rubber duckie. Spoiler alert - it doesn't work. Apparently she didn't know the monster movie rule that if a woman takes a shower, the monster will always attack her there. It's better to stay dirty. There are also a few scenes with Will Wheaton as a punk realtor with a purple mohawk who calls his girlfriend dude, and Jennie McCarthy as a sexy home buyer with too much eye makeup.

During the obligatory exposition, told here to the cocky government agents who are sent to fight the snake (and who always die in these movies) a herpetologist tells them that the snake is "an evolutionary chimera of immense physiological scale with unparallelled abilities and characteristics, a hybrid integrated from a variety of distinct serpentine species." When asked to explain it again in simple layman's terms, he says it's "a very big snake." He also tells them that the snake is "a perfect killing machine. A one hundred and twenty-nine foot all terrain vehicle capable of speeds exceeding 50 miles an hour with skin that can deflect an anti-tank round, enhanced night vision, and a voracious appetite for human flesh." The computer-generated monster python we see looks very bad. CGI in the year 2000 just wasn't up to the job. The snake also does some very un-snake-like things: using its pointed tail to stab and decapitate people; picking up people in its mouth and shaking them around like a dog; and shooting corrosive digestive fluids out of its mouth (ie, it pukes acid.)
Python Python Python
Python Python Python
This monster python movie tries to add some balance to its depiction of snakes as monsters by showing people with pet pythons that they hug and kiss. We see a woman named Lisa bringing her pet Burmese Python named Lady G on a camping trip with her girlfriend Roberta, who is upset when she finds the snake inside their tent. Lisa tells her that the snake doesn't bite, it squeezes, which is true, but anybody who's ever kept a pet python knows they can produce a painful bite when they mistake your hand for food. When Lady G escapes and is found by a group of people at a swimming hole nearby, everybody knows the snake's name and knows that it's Lisa's snake, because Lisa is the local weird snake lady.

It's a well-known fact that most biologists keep the animals they study as pets, carrying them around wherever they go, and hugging and kissing them affectionately. (This is why it's always a good idea to avoid biologists who study infectious diseases or great white sharks.) Dr. Rudolph is a herpetologist who studies snakes and keeps a little Ball Python in his bag that he removes and kisses on the lips. (As I said, this is a comedy monster movie.) Dr. Rudolph asks a woman to take care of the python, because, he says, "she's all I have." In my experience that sort of pet snake love is always unrequited. If you want an affectionate pet, get a dog.